Pacific Northwest Humor
Policeman: Lady, what gear were you in at the moment of the crash impact?
Oregonian: Gear? Oh, Nike of course! (Beaverton, Oregon is the corporate headquarters of Nike).
A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it’s raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, ”Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?” The kid says, ”How should I know? I’m only 8.”
- Question: What do you call two straight days of rain in Portland?
Answer: A weekend.
- It only rains twice a year in Portland: October through April and May through June.
- Question: What does daylight-saving time mean in Portland?
Answer: An extra hour of rain.
What did the Portland native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
Answer: Nice tan.
A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, there, Your Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”
“Ah,” Satan said with a grin. “Those are Portlanders. I’m letting them dry out so they’ll burn.”
“I can’t believe it,” said the tourist. “I’ve been here in Portland an entire week and it’s done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?”
“Well, that’s hard to say,” replied the local. “Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”
Oregonians have developed whole new ways of dealing with mold and moss because there’s mold in the showers, and that’s probably mildew growing in the old shoes in the back of the closet, and on the wet shoes in the front of the closet, and it’s even growing in the basement. There is moss on the golf courses, moss on the sidewalks, patios, roofs, telephone poles, fences, on rocks and on hiking trails. You can find moss on the north side of trees and on the south, east and west sides of trees too. You’ll even find it on the north side of canes and walking sticks. As a result, there are job opportunities in one of Oregon’s oldest industries: moss-removing.
If a tree falls in the woods at one of the Oregon National Forests and no one hears it, the US Forest Service philosophy is that you should clear-cut the whole forest so it doesn’t happen again.
Question: What is the difference between Oregon and Washington?
Answer: The Washington people have nicer neighbors!
The Umatilla County Sheriff walks into a Pendleton saloon and says, “Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?” “What’s he look like?” asks one cowboy. “Well,” says the sheriff, “He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, a brown paper waist-coat, brown paper pants and brown paper boots.” “So what’s he wanted for?” asks the cowboy. The sheriff says, “Rustlin’.”
Living in the Pacific Northwest
You might be from Portland if you:
- You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
- Use the statement “sun break” and know what it means.
- You know a bride & groom that registered at REI.
- When you drive out of town, every other guy in a pickup truck looks the governor.
- When you drive out of town, even the Hondas have gun racks.
- You can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you can’t see them due to clouds.
- Know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
- Everyday is casual Friday.
- Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
- Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
- Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” signal.
- Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.
- Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, and Veneto’s.
- Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
- Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon and Willamette.
- Consider swimming an indoor sport.
- Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
- Are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed by rain,” and “Tomorrow’s forecast: rain followed by showers.”
- You cannot wait for a day with “showers and sun breaks.”
- Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
- Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
- Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
- You exclaim “the mountain is out” when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
- Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and Gore-Tex coat.
- Switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
- Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
- Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
- Buy new sunglasses every year, because you can’t find the old one after such a long time.
- You often switch from “heat” to “a/c” in the same day.
- You use a down comforter in the summer.
- You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
- You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (spring), Road Construction (summer) Deer & Elk season (Fall).
- You complain about Californians as you sell your house to one for twice as much as you originally paid.
You might be from Oregon if you:
- You think that the start of deer and elk season is a national holiday.
- Pop is not only what you call your dad, but is the ONLY name for soda.
- A Friday night date is taking you girlfriend shining for deer. Saturday you go the the local bowling alley.
- Fly Angler An obsessed individual who owns a house that is falling down due to neglect, a truck whose color can best be described as Rust-Oleum, and a pristine drift boat that he chamois’ down methodically before and after each trip.
- Catch and Release A conservation method that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over its limit.
- Fly An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the fly shop.
- Hook (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings.
- Knot (1) An insecure connection between your hook and fishing line. (2) A permanent tangle on your fly reel which forces you togo out and buy a bigger, better and much more expensive rig.
- Landing Net A net used to help drag a large wiggling fish, or an inebriated fishing buddy, on board.
- Line Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
- Reel A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
- Rod An attractively painted length of graphite that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
- School A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $3.00 fly and hold out for power bait instead.
- Wading The most common means through which a dry fly-fisherman is transformed into a wet fly-fisherman.